Your Vote , Your Voice
Rev. John Myers – Anita Spencer
How to Know If You Are In a Healthy Relationship
Updated on February 21, 2022
Medically reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW, Editor-in-ChiefPrint
Table of Contents
- Questions to Ask Yourself
- Signs of Healthy Relationships
- Signs of Problems
- Build a Healthier Relationship
- When to Seek Help
- Frequently Asked Questions
Relationships are an important part of a healthy life. Research has consistently shown that social connections are critical for both mental and physical health. People who have healthy relationships have better health outcomes, are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors, and have a decreased risk of mortality.1
This article discusses some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship and how to spot the signs of potential problems. It also explores some of the steps you can take to improve the health of your relationship.
Questions to Ask Yourself
It is important to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every relationship has a mix of both healthy and unhealthy characteristics. What makes a bond positive is that each person recognizes that relationships take work. Each person must strive to maintain the connection and remedy problems.
People often spend a lot of time talking about how to spot a bad relationship, but not about what constitutes a healthy relationship. Consider the following:
- Do you have trust in one another?
- Do you respect each other?
- Do you support each other’s interests and efforts?
- Are you honest and open with each other?
- Are you able to maintain your individual identity?
- Do you talk about your feelings, hopes, fears, and dreams?
- Do you feel and express fondness and affection?
- Is there equality and fairness in your relationship?
Every person’s needs are different. For example, some people have higher needs for openness and affection than others do. In a healthy relationship, each person is able to get what they need.
It can be helpful to look at your own relationship and consider whether or not it has healthy characteristics. Trust, respect, support, and honestly are a few important qualities to look for.
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
While all relationships are different, there are some key characteristics that help differentiate a healthy interpersonal connection from an unhealthy one.
Trust in your partner is a key component of any healthy relationship. Research suggests that your ability to trust others is influenced by your overall attachment style.2 Relationships experienced early in life help shape the expectations that you have for future relationships.
If your past relationships have been secure, stable, and trusting, you are more likely to trust future partners as well. If, however, your past relationships were unstable and undependable, you may have to work through some trust issues going forward.
Trust is also established by how partners treat one another. When you see that your partner treats you well, is dependable, and will be there when you need them, you are more likely to develop this trust.
Building trust requires mutual self-disclosure by sharing things about yourself. As time passes, opportunities to test and evaluate that trust emerge. As trust grows, the relationship becomes a great source of comfort and security. If you feel that you have to hide things from your partner, it may be because you lack this essential trust.
Openness and Honesty
You should be able to feel that you can be yourself in a healthy relationship. While all couples have varying levels of openness and self-disclosure, you should never feel like you have to hide aspects of yourself or change who you are. Being open and honest with each other not only helps you feel more connected as a couple, but it also helps foster trust.
Self-disclosure refers to what you are willing to share about yourself with another person.
At the beginning of a relationship, you may hold back and exercise more caution about what you are willing to reveal. Over time, as the intimacy of a relationship increases, partners begin to reveal more of their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, interests, and memories to one another.
This doesn’t mean that you need to share every single thing with your partner. Each individual needs their own privacy and space. What matters most is whether each partner feels comfortable sharing their hopes, fears, and feelings if they so choose. Healthy couples don’t need to be together all the time or share everything.
Differences in opinion over how much honesty there should be in a relationship can sometimes cause problems, however. Fortunately, one study found that when people are unhappy with their partner’s level of openness, they typically discuss the problem with their partner.3 This is a good example of how addressing a problem openly can help strengthen a relationship.
While your partner may have different needs than you, it is important to find ways to compromise while still maintaining your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about secrecy; they establish that each person has their own needs and expectations.
Healthy boundaries in a relationship allow you to still do the things that are important to you, such as going out with friends and maintaining privacy, while still sharing important things with your partner.
A partner who has unhealthy expectations of openness and honesty might expect to know every detail of where you are and what you’re doing, restrict who you can spend time with, or demand access to your personal social media accounts.
In close, healthy relationships, people have a shared respect for one another. They don’t demean or belittle one another and offer support and security.
There are a number of different ways that couples can show respect for one another. These include:
- Listening to one another
- Not procrastinating or stonewalling when your partner asks you to do something
- Being understanding and forgiving when one person makes a mistake
- Building each other up; not tearing each other down
- Making room in your life for your partner
- Taking an interest in the things your partner enjoys
- Allowing your partner to have their own individuality
- Supporting and encouraging your partner’s pursuits and passions
- Showing appreciation and gratitude for one another
- Having empathy for one another
Healthy relationships are characterized by fondness and affection. Research has shown that the initial passion that marks the start of a new relationship tends to decline over time,4 but this does not mean that the need for affection, comfort, and tenderness lessens.
Passionate love usually happens during the beginning of a relationship and is characterized by intense longing, strong emotions, and a need to maintain physical closeness. This passionate love eventually transforms into compassionate love, which is marked by feelings of affection, trust, intimacy, and commitment.
While those intense early feelings eventually return to normal levels, couples in healthy relationships are able to build progressively deeper intimacy as the relationship progresses.
However, it is important to remember that physical needs are different for each individual. There is no right amount of affection or intimacy. The key to a healthy relationship is that both partners are content with the level of affection that they share with their partner. A nurturing partnership is characterized by genuine fondness and affection for one another that is expressed in a variety of ways.
Healthy, long-lasting relationships, whether they are friendships or romantic partnerships, require the ability to communicate well.
One study found that a couple’s communication style was more important than stress, commitment, and personality in predicting whether married couples would eventually divorce.5
While it might seem like the best relationships are those that don’t involve conflict, knowing how to argue and resolve differences of opinion effectively is more important than simply avoiding arguments in order to keep the peace.
Sometimes conflict can be an opportunity to strengthen a connection with your partner. Research has shown that conflict can be beneficial in intimate relationships when serious problems need to be addressed, allowing partners to make changes that benefit the future of the relationship.6
When conflicts do arise, those in healthy relationships are able to avoid personal attacks. Instead, they remain respectful and empathetic of their partner as they discuss their thoughts and feelings and work toward a resolution.
Strong relationships are marked by natural reciprocity. It isn’t about keeping score or feeling that you owe the other person. You do things for one another because you genuinely want to.
This also doesn’t mean that the give-and-take in a relationship is always 100% equal. At times, one partner may need more help and support. In other cases, one partner may simply prefer to take more of a caregiver role. Such imbalances are fine as long as each person is ok with the dynamic and both partners are getting the support that they need.
Characteristics of healthy relationships include trust, openness, honesty, respect, affection, communication, and mutual give-and-take.
Signs of Problems in a Relationship
Relationships can change over time and not every relationship is 100% healthy all the time. Times of stress, in particular, can lead to unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that can create problems. A relationship is unhealthy when the bad outweighs the good or when certain behaviors are harmful to one or both individuals.
- Attempts to control your behaviors
- Avoiding one another
- Being afraid to share your opinions or thoughts
- Being pressured to quit the things you enjoy
- Criticizing what you do, who you spend time with, how you dress, etc.
- Feeling pressured to change who you are
- Feeling that spending time together is an obligation
- Lack of fairness when settling conflicts
- Lack of privacy or pressure to share every detail of your life with your partner
- Neglecting your own needs to put your partner first
- Poor communication
- Unequal control over shared resources including money and transportation
Some problems may be temporary and something that you can address together, either through self-help methods or by consulting a mental health professional. When it comes to more serious problems, such as abusive behaviors, your primary concern should be on maintaining your safety and security.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
How to Build a Healthier Relationship
Toxic behaviors are often a sign that an unhealthy relationship should end. For other problems, there are many ways to fix weaknesses and build a healthier relationship.
Couples who feel gratitude for one another feel closer to one another and tend to be more satisfied with their relationships. One study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that showing gratitude for a partner can be an important way to boost satisfaction in romantic relationships.7
Another study found that feeling gratitude for a romantic partner was a predictor of whether a relationship would last.8
Keep Things Interesting
Keeping up with the daily grind of work and kids can sometimes cause couples to fall into the same old routine. Boredom can lead to greater dissatisfaction as a relationship goes on. Researchers have found, for example, that couples who reported feeling bored in the seventh year of their relationship were more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction nine years later.5
So what are some things that you can do to keep the romance alive over the long term?
- Make time for one another; schedule in dates or set aside time each week to focus on one another
- Try new things together; take a class or try a new hobby that you can both enjoy
- Break out of the same old routine
- Look for ways to surprise each other
- Spend time apart once in a while
- Turn off digital devices and spend time focused only on one another
- Find time for intimacy
Steps you can take that may help make your relationship healthier include showing appreciation for your partner and finding ways to keep the relationship interesting.
When to Seek Help
All relationships are going to have their bumps in the road. Conflicts over finances, the challenges of parenting, and other differences can all create ups and downs in a long-term relationship. Even if you and your partner have a healthy relationship most of the time, problems might sometimes arise that might benefit from professional help.
If you feel like your relationship might benefit from outside help, consider talking to a counselor or therapist. A mental health professional skilled in addressing interpersonal and relationship issues can help you both learn to communicate, listen, and cope with some of the issues that might be challenging your relationship.
It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to change their behavior unless they want to. If your partner is not interested or willing in going to counseling, go on your own and focus on your own needs and wellness. Work on building your social support system outside of the relationship and consider ending a relationship if it is ultimately unhealthy.
Working with a couples therapist can be a helpful way to address issues that you might be having in your relationship.
A Word From Verywell
Even if your relationship seems healthy, it can be helpful at times to step back and look for improvements you can make together. Healthy relationships are marked by an ability to recognize problems, including your own, that might pose a threat to the long-term success of your relationship. By being willing to analyze your relationship, you can work together to build a more fulfilling partnership.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
- Why am I not happy in my relationship?One reason why you might be unhappy in your relationship is that you have different beliefs, values, or goals than your partner. Feeling like you are being held back from accomplishing your goals or feeling like you need to change your partner can also contribute to unhappiness. Learn More: What to Do If You’re In an Unhappy Relationship
- What are some examples of healthy boundaries in relationships?Healthy boundaries are unique to each individual and each couple. They establish what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Examples of healthy boundaries include agreeing not to go through each other’s phones, giving each other the time and space to have friendships outside of the marriage, and respecting each other’s personal space.Learn More: Boundaries in Relationships
- Why do people cheat in relationships?Infidelity can have a range of causes that may include past cheating, substance use, psychological health problems, personality characteristics, and sex addiction. Learn More: Reasons Why Married People Cheat
By Kendra Cherry
Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.
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